Freedom from a Striving Heart

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. _{(2 Corinthians 12:9)}



Two and a half years ago I crossed the line of faith. That’s two and a half years of constant striving and I am exhausted. Today I finally grasped what I have heard countless times: the truth that my love from God and His grace upon me is the same today as it was two and a half years ago, as it’s always been. He hasn’t changed. I’ve changed, I’ve been transformed. He has remained constant, showering me with grace in every failure, and loving and affirming me in weakness and through triumphs. I grew up in a home where success earned approval. I can still hear the disappointment in my father’s voice when, scared of failure, I didn’t follow through with an opportunity I had. He saw failure anyway. He never searched my heart to understand that his little girl was afraid to let him down. And still, I did. It was then that fear was born, and became integrated into my life. It became paralyzing- too afraid to make a move out of fear that I would fail and, and in the process, disappointing myself and others because I never made a move. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of paralyzing fear.

Then, when I opened the door and allowed Jesus to flood my life, I made a promise, a silent promise, to prove myself worthy of His incredible, unyielding and perfect love. I’ve worked and worked at figuring out the right attitude, trying to mold my heart into a perfect form- judging myself and comparing myself to others- judging others with the hope that my Father would see how good I was- how good I was becoming. And now I see-it serves no purpose. All my work is fruitless, because it is a lie.

My loving Father picks me up and gently speaks into my heart that there is no truth in striving. That it’s just more sin that He covers with His grace. He looks at me with His compassionate eyes and speaks words of freedom, of validation. “I’ve loved you since you were born- before you were born- I’ve loved you since the creation of the world. I accepted you before you made your first mistake and I still accept you after you’ve made so many. I love you always. The striving wears you down, it doesn’t build you up.”

Jesus has the same heart for me that He has for everyone… That is so foreign to me. My sin is the same as anyone’s sin. We all sin, not one of us is without. We are all the same. The same in His eyes. It perplexes me. Then why do I work so hard? For what? And that’s just it. I shouldn’t. The focus shouldn’t be on how I compare to others, how I measure up and how much I’ve changed my self. No- the only transformation that has any worth has come from Him. My focus should be on my heart, on seeking Him with all my heart. That means living outward, not inward. Striving pulls everything inward- makes it all about me. It’s really a desire to control, as if I’m trying to manipulate God’s emotions to get Him to like me. And that knocks everyone down around me- because I am trying to glorify myself. But if I live an affirmed life- resting in the truth and knowledge of God’s steadfast love- solid on the inside- then I am free. This freedom shifts my focus to move out and allows my life to flow into others. No longer judging or fearing being judged, but loving and giving grace. That is a life that glorifies God, the one who should be glorified. Even and especially through my failures, He is glorified and His love for me is confirmed. It is what He does through my weakness that reveals His splendor, that allows His beauty to shine through me, and that grants me the permission to live as an expression of Him.

I am free. Free to be me. To come home to the me that I am created to be. To stumble, and to prosper. To make mistakes and to get it right sometimes. To laugh at myself and to experience an unchained joy. Free to love others and free from discrimination. Free to let my unique personality be a blessing to the world, with all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. There is only one me, one unique color in this picture of life. I matter. I matter uniquely. In God’s eyes, we all matter, each matters uniquely. None of us can be replaced with another.

God, I need You. I need a Savior. I am desperate for You, for Your unfailing love and Your merciful grace. I pray that I live my life in the freedom of that grace, and not in the bondage of a striving heart.